When I’m feeling low and sad, I think of my friend Kav. The most extraordinary man I ever met and from who I learned some simple lessons about life from.

Kaval Vaseer was a presenter at Radio Nottingham and died from cancer in December 2017. I think about him a lot and at the time of writing these words I felt like crying. Kav meant so much to so many people and while I didn’t know him intimately, the influence he’s had on my life has been profound.

We lost our first son in 2006 after my wife Niki developed pre-eclampsia. Michael, at 26 weeks, was stillborn. He was so tiny and he never stood much of a chance despite every effort to bring him safely into the world. He was beautiful, perfect, the sweetest, smallest baby you were likely to see. I didn’t want to stop holding him. Heartbroken, I kept apologising to him, I was sorry he didn’t get the chance to be with us.

While I had the comfort that Niki had survived the ordeal, as she could have easily died too, to her the loss of our first baby was, of course, devastating. It still feels that way every birthday. It always will be. Michael would have been 14 this year.

After he died I went back to work too early. I was broken. Exhausted. Bitter at times. No one really knew what to say, although I felt their sympathy and kindness… Kav was different though. As his programme was at weekends I didn’t really see him much in the office. But the day I returned, he was there for a meeting. He came up to me and offered his condolences and support. He was so friendly and warm. We barely knew each other and yet he sat with me for a while and listened. I’ve never forgotten that.

One thing I did know about Kav was that his son had died from a heart condition at just 10. As we spoke more I felt guilty because to me his loss felt so much worse. Losing a child he had been a father to for a decade. How do you possibly survive this? He said to me that he had 10 wonderful years with his son while, sadly, I didn’t get any time with mine. He framed it so selflessly and I loved him for that. 

Niki and I went on to have two more boys who are thankfully happy and healthy. Down the years, I would see Kav whenever I worked a weekend. We’d chat and he always asked about the boys and how they were doing. He knew his cancer was terminal and it was the chemotherapy that was keeping him alive. He lost his hair, he was in pain, and he knew he was going to die and leave his wife and daughter on their own, but he kept going. He kept working, his listeners relied on him and he also continued to be a friend to everyone. He was so cheerful, incredibly so. He chose how to feel and while cancer was robbing him of his life, he wasn’t going to be miserable about it. He told me how boring he found the treatment but it was also a chance to read and catch up with other things. He told me that every time the alarm went off in the morning he would jump up and feel grateful he was still alive.

Regretfully, the last time I saw him I could only give him a quick hello and goodbye. I stupidly thought I would just see him the next time. It was a Sunday afternoon, the last day of a seven day stretch. I just wanted to be with my family. As I dashed out the door he said: “Bye matey, love to the boys”.

I found out he’d died a few weeks later.

Whenever I’m feeling down I try and think of Kav and what he’d do with the time I had. He would be pleased about this. His legacy is kindness, warmth and positivity, I can’t think of anything better to be.

Still thinking about you Kav, you wonderful human being.

What would Kav do?

1. Be kind. Give those who deserve it your time. Don’t waste precious time on toxic people.
2. Whatever is happening to you, however horrible, you have the freedom to choose how to feel about it.
3. Live your day like it’s your last. Don’t delay anything.