This year, more than any other, I’ve realised who my friends are… Amid the turmoil of the pandemic and making the tough decision to move on from my job, the pals who have kept me going are the ones I owe so much to. Hopefully, I’ve been there enough for them too.

There’s a great chapter on friendship in Jordan B Peterson’s book 12 Rules for Life; only be friends with people who want the best for you. It’s pretty obvious, really, although it’s well worth reading for the depth of the argument. However, I’ve gone over some past friendships where I put so much into that relationship when they didn’t and I persevered when I should have put my energies elsewhere.

I had a friend (I’ll call him Pete) at university in Northampton, and we got on so well I thought we’d be mates for life. We both did art, liked similar things, we got drunk together and had the same outlook on life. I remember us walking for miles to get to a cinema that was closed by the time we got there. We never stopped talking, there and back, and I still fondly remember that day despite the disappointment.

If you trip over I’ll catch you’re fall
If you kick my dick, I won’t break you’re balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I’ll make sure you get home safely

Friends, Flight of the Conchords

There was another time we applied to be security guards. We were late for the training, thanks to a bus delay, and as soon as we walked through the door we were booted out by some ex-army guy, who took one look at Pete’s jumper, which had a milky stain down it, and bollocked us in front of the whole class. We got outside and pissed ourselves. Our dreams had hardly been scuppered. Pete and I lived together in our final year at university and I stayed with him one weekend during his Masters degrees in Lancaster. We also went to Edinburgh for the Fringe festival that year and had a brilliant weekend.

Pete didn’t turn up for my stag do. I left him several messages. He never answered his phone. I was worried about him but also hurt that he didn’t show, despite sending me the cash for the accommodation and entertainment etc. As far as I was concerned he had every intention of coming. He didn’t show up for the wedding either. I didn’t get a personal apology but a small explanation through a mutual friend. He’d been having problems at home and didn’t feel he could come. Why didn’t he just tell me that? I would have understood. I forgave him for what he did. But what I shouldn’t have done is carried on putting in all the legwork to our friendship. 

You’re no good for me, I don’t need nobody
Don’t need no one, that’s no good for me

No Good (Start the Dance), The Prodigy

It was an effort to get any response to messages I sent him. If I called he barely picked up. He was coming to Nottingham from the north for a football match at one point. He didn’t think to arrange a quick pint before or after, despite me trying to set something up. I later arranged an art exhibition in Nottingham in 2006 and invited Pete to show his work too, which he took up to my surprise. It was a good night and he brought his girlfriend and they stayed over with Niki and me. The next morning when I waved him off, I thought this is probably the last time I will see him. My reasoning was that it took so much effort to get to see him or speak with him (and then it was at an event in which there was something in it for him) that I just couldn’t waste any more time on a one sided friendship. 

So it proved. I’ve not seen or heard from him since. I took this personally and I still wonder sometimes had I done something wrong at some point? The answer is probably not. I did my best with him but ultimately he perhaps didn’t care as much. I have learned that I’m not the only one he was like this to. And so I can put to bed the idea that there was something wrong with me.  

This year, of all years, living through a difficult time, I’ve learned who my friends are, the ones who want the best for me and vice versa. You don’t have time to waste on people who leave you questioning your own character. If you behave properly you have nothing to worry about. It should be them who are looking at themselves.