‘I’m totally wired. And I’m always worried.’

A porous memory, losing things, listening to people, and realising I’m not listening, switching tasks, worrying endlessly, walking away from conversations thinking, ‘why did you say that?’ 

Trying to do everything, everywhere, all at once, and not always well. Equally, being so deeply involved in a task, that I lose track of time (and forget important things like picking my son up).

Wondering if I’ve upset someone because they haven’t replied to a message. Agonising for days about something someone said, replaying conversations, overanalysing… All the time I have someone in my head telling me why I’m an idiot, why I’m not good enough, and why everything is shit, while playing S Club 7. 

Turns out it’s the way I’m wired. I can’t help it. At 47, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. This has come as a huge discovery.

I shared this with someone and she said, ‘What do you think you’ll get out of this… now?’

(Meaning: You’re old. What’s the point? 😂)

Well, it matters to me. It’s like finally being given my brain’s handbook. And now I can help manage things I’ve always struggled with. Others are surprised when I’ve told them – ‘really???’.

I don’t fit what they understand about ADHD, especially in boys and men. Clearly I’ve masked it well, even from myself. Having a neurodivergent brain explains why some things at work, at home, and in the world in general, are harder. 

Everything is set up for neurotypical brains. Instruction manuals, application forms, questionnaires, exams, meetings, timetables, supermarkets… I would be described as ‘high functioning’ – and luckily so, many ADHD males seem to end up in prison, or comedy…

At my worst I’m like a mad professor, à la Dr Emmet Brown, going from task to task in a fit of panic, causing chaos in the process. Maybe I’m more like a headless chicken, starting something only to be distracted by something else. Poulet sans tête. I should combine the two. Ultimately, I’m the Headless Professor. (Which also explains the clumsiness).