I was 7-years-old when Robert Moth broke some terrifying, but potentially life-saving, news.

It followed Mrs Mantle’s reward for good work. We chose to play with Lego. I was constructing a multi-coloured house with an upstairs front door (there were no steps, presumably that’s the way the architect wanted it. Don’t ask questions), when Robert said: ‘If you don’t stay in bed at night, or stay under the covers, then the vampires will get you!’

I believed him to be an authority on the subject and missed the opportunity to question how this worked as a method of protection against a powerful bloodthirsty beast. It was clearly a story told to him by his mum or dad to keep young Robert wandering about in his room, and playing with his Transformers. Robert had a lot of very cool Transformers, including all the Dinobots.

I took him at his word. I was in no danger. I was quite happy to stay in bed. No vampires were going to get me. Hey Drac… sucks to be you! (Pun unintentional). But then my dad put me in terrible danger following a bout of sleepwalking, or drunkenness, or both, when he got in bed with me. There was no room left and I slipped to the floor while he dropped into a coma, it seemed.

I was left exposed. No bed. No covers. The landing lights were on and shadows formed. They were coming. Vampires can apparently smell kids when they’re out of bed. Weirdos.

I tried to wake my dad but he was fast asleep. Flat out until his brain took him out on another twilight walkabout. I was running out of time. What was the plan? I looked around. Do curtains count as sheets? Is that in the undead rulebook? Maybe pulling them down could alert my unconscious father. Although looking at him Evil Knievel crashing through the window wouldn’t wake him at this point. But then I saw the clothes I’d worn the day before, scattered across the carpet. I took each item. Firstly, my pants, and laid them over where pants should go. Then my socks. A t-shirt. Jeans. Followed by a jumper. Gloves? Hat? Why not? You can’t be too careful. I’ll remind you I wasn’t wearing these garments, vampire logic was that they had to cover me. If you say so.

I laid there for ages. I was as still as possible. The shadows ceased to dance. I imagined the vampires collectively clenching fists and damning my quick thinking. Sucks to be you, you ghouls! (I know I’ve done this one). Do they suck or bite? Bit of both, I guess.

I was growing cold and feeling uncomfortable on the floor when Dad awoke. He looked confused like he’d left his own big bed he shared with my mum, and somehow travelled down a flight of stairs, without breaking his neck, and found himself in a child’s bed. He looked at his son fully dressed, but not really, I turned my head and looked back at him. We held the gaze for an uncomfortable second or two before he chuckled, apologised, and told me to get back in bed. Off he travelled. Half naked. Scratching his arse.

If the vampires got him it would be his own fault.